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Why do I put my walls up? Understanding emotional guarding in relationships
- Schoen Clinic UK
- Apr 23
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 25
Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I’ve got my walls up"? It's a phrase we're noticing a lot more in reality TV and dating shows like Love Island, Married at First Sight (MAFS) Love is Blind or First Dates - whether you’ve heard it on TV or said it yourself, it’s a phrase that reflects something deeply human: the need to protect ourselves emotionally.
But why do we put up emotional walls? What are we really protecting, and how can we learn to relate to others without completely shutting ourselves off? According to Brenda Naso, an Embodied Psychotherapist at Schoen Clinic Chelsea, these walls are more than just metaphorical—they're protective systems rooted in our past experiences.
Emotional walls: what are they, really?
In psychotherapy, emotional walls are often described as defence mechanisms. They are the unconscious or conscious barriers we put up to shield ourselves from emotional pain, intimacy, or vulnerability.
Brenda explains: “These walls, these armours are there to protect something, right? Sometimes they are there to protect something that is very young in us, from our early childhood.”
This means that emotional guarding often originates from earlier experiences—times when we felt unsafe, hurt, or emotionally neglected. As we grow older, these defences can solidify, causing us to disengage from relationships and the world around us.
Why do we become emotionally guarded?
Many people searching online ask, "Why do I push people away emotionally?" or "How do I stop sabotaging my relationships?" The answer often lies in unhealed emotional wounds.
Emotional guarding can stem from:
Childhood trauma or neglect
Betrayal or heartbreak in past toxic relationships
Attachment issues or inconsistent caregiving
Fear of vulnerability or rejection
Brenda notes that while having boundaries is healthy, emotional walls become problematic when they cut us off from others entirely: “It is helpful and healthy for us to have boundaries and to take care of ourselves. But when we create a really strong boundary between us and the outside world, that’s when we may need support.”
Boundaries vs. walls: what’s the difference?
The language we use matters. Instead of "walls," Brenda encourages us to think about “skin.” Why? Because skin is semi-permeable, it protects us, but it also allows connection.
“I always like to think about permeability,” she says. “If boundaries are completely impermeable, then we are probably pushing people away. If they’re completely open, we might be putting ourselves at risk.”
This perspective reframes the way we think about emotional safety. It’s not about tearing down all barriers. It’s about developing flexible, responsive boundaries that allow for closeness with safe people and protection from harmful ones.
How embodied psychotherapy helps
So what can you do if you find yourself emotionally guarded?
Embodied psychotherapy offers a powerful approach. It focuses not only on talking about your experiences but also on how these experiences live in the body.
According to Brenda: “Psychotherapy - and especially embodied psychotherapy - can help you open that enquiry: what is the function of this wall? If I’m an adult, why am I maintaining it?”
In a safe therapeutic space, you can explore:
The root of your emotional defences
How emotional pain manifests physically (e.g., tension, numbness, tightness)
Ways to become more aware of your boundaries and gradually shift them
You don’t need to dismantle your emotional protection all at once. Instead, you can learn how to adjust your “permeability” depending on the situation and the people you’re interacting with.
Signs you might be emotionally guarded
It’s not always easy to recognise when your walls are up. Here are a few common signs:
You struggle to trust others or let people in
You feel numb or detached in relationships
You avoid vulnerability or deep emotional conversations
You fear being hurt or rejected if you open up
You often feel alone, even in relationships
If any of these sound familiar, you're not alone. Many people develop emotional walls as a way to cope, but you don’t have to stay behind them.
Building healthier relationships with more permeable boundaries
Healing isn’t about becoming completely open or exposed. It's about learning to tune into your needs, developing emotional flexibility, and cultivating a sense of safety in connection.
Here are a few steps to get started:
Reflect compassionately: Ask yourself, "What life experience made me guarded?" Approach this reflection with kindness rather than judgment.
Seek professional support: A therapist—especially one trained in embodied psychotherapy—can guide you through the process of safely exploring and reshaping your boundaries.
Practise self-awareness: Notice when your emotional guard goes up. Is it around certain people or situations? What feelings are underneath the defensiveness?
Experiment with openness: In safe relationships, practise small acts of vulnerability and observe what it feels like to be seen and supported.
Redefine strength: Remember, strength isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about knowing when and how to let them in.
Final thoughts
Being emotionally guarded is a natural response to pain—but it doesn’t have to define your relationships. With support and self-awareness, you can build boundaries that are protective yet permeable—like skin, not walls.
As Brenda Naso reminds us, “It’s okay to have more permeable boundaries when we feel safe. But if someone has harmed us, it’s also natural to want to close the permeability.”
If you're ready to explore the emotional walls you’ve built and start building healthier, more responsive boundaries, our experienced therapists at Schoen Clinic Chelsea are here to help.
If you’re interested in embodied psychotherapy or want to explore emotional guarding in your own life, contact us at Schoen Clinic Chelsea today.
