Toxic relationship patterns: how trauma shapes behaviour — and how to break the cycle
- Schoen Clinic UK
- 6 hours ago
- 5 min read
Searches for toxic relationships often begin with a simple question: “Why does this feel so hard?”
For many people, a toxic relationship isn’t defined by constant conflict or obvious mistreatment. Instead, it’s a pattern of emotional instability — feeling anxious, unseen, over-responsible, or chronically unsure of where you stand. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, over-explaining your needs, or repeatedly drawn to relationships that leave you feeling small or unsafe.
What’s often missing from conversations about toxic behaviour in relationships is context. Many of these patterns are not personality flaws or poor choices, they are learned responses shaped by past experiences, particularly trauma and early attachment relationships.
In a recent episode of Schoen Clinic Unscripted, psychotherapists Zoe Laxton and Georgia Mancroft explored how unresolved trauma can quietly shape the way we love, argue, cling, withdraw, and protect ourselves in adult relationships.
What do we really mean by a “toxic relationship”?
A toxic relationship is not defined by occasional disagreement or emotional intensity. All close relationships involve some level of friction from time to time. Toxicity emerges when patterns of interaction consistently lead to emotional harm, self-erosion, or nervous system distress, even when there is care, attraction, or commitment present.
Often, people describe feeling:
emotionally dysregulated around their partner
responsible for maintaining harmony at all costs
fearful of abandonment or rejection
trapped in cycles of reassurance-seeking and withdrawal
These experiences are deeply distressing, and they rarely come from nowhere.
As Georgia explains: “The defences that we use in order to manage our feelings were protective on some level, but over time they become destructive and painful in themselves.”
Understanding toxicity through this lens shifts the question from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What happened, and how did I learn to survive this way?”
Trauma and the origins of “toxic” behaviour
Trauma doesn’t only refer to single catastrophic events. It can also arise from chronic emotional unsafety, inconsistent caregiving, neglect, or environments where needs were ignored, minimised, or punished.
In these contexts, children adapt. They learn strategies that increase the chances of connection or reduce the risk of rejection. Those strategies often follow us into adulthood, even when they no longer serve us.
Zoe describes how trauma can shape communication styles in relationships:
“Sometimes when people have been through traumatic experiences, they can go into people-pleasing and completely neglect their own needs… almost a doormat style.”
At the other end of the spectrum is what she refers to as the “bulldozer”: “The bulldozer is kind of like, ‘screw you and the car you came in.’ Again, neither are effective.”
Both responses are attempts to meet unmet needs — safety, control, reassurance, or recognition — but they do so indirectly, often escalating conflict or disconnection rather than resolving it.
Reassurance-seeking, abandonment fears, and insecure attachment
One of the most common trauma-linked relationship patterns is intense reassurance-seeking, particularly when attachment feels threatened.
Zoe shares an example from clinical work: “She was afraid that he was going to leave her and felt she needed constant reassurance… calling him non-stop when he was out.”
While these behaviours are understandable, they often overwhelm partners and inadvertently push them away — reinforcing the fear that started the cycle.
Georgia explains what sits beneath this pattern: “Underneath that need for reassurance is a really painful sense of ‘I’m going to be rejected or abandoned.’ That comes from a very young place.”
This is frequently linked to insecure attachment, where closeness feels essential but unsafe, and distance feels intolerable. Even when a partner has done nothing wrong, the nervous system reacts as if an old threat has returned.
Subtle trauma patterns that don’t look “obviously” toxic
Not all trauma-related relationship difficulties are loud or visible. Some are deeply internalised and quietly exhausting.
People may appear functional, calm, or accommodating on the outside, while internally experiencing constant anxiety, hypervigilance, or self-criticism.
According to Zoe: “You may not be acting in ways that are obviously problematic, but internally this can be really painful and invalidating.”
Examples include feeling panicked when a partner goes out without you, replaying conversations repeatedly in your mind, or feeling ashamed for having emotional needs at all. These patterns often go unnoticed by others — but they take a significant emotional toll.
Why we keep choosing the same kind of partner
Many people recognise themselves in the familiar refrain popularised on shows like Love Island: “I always go for the same type," or "I always go for the bad boy."
Georgia explains why this often happens: “We repeat what we know. Humans are relationship-seeking beings. What we experience early on, we tend to seek out again and again.”
Inconsistent or emotionally unavailable partners can feel intensely exciting — triggering dopamine, adrenaline, and emotional highs. But this “spark” is often a sign of nervous system activation, not safety.
"Sometimes we confuse excitement and butterflies with unsafety… and over time, that wears us down.”
These dynamics can reinforce deep-seated beliefs such as “I’m not enough” or “I have to earn love”, making the pattern feel both familiar and painfully compelling.
Trauma, anxiety, and emotional avoidance
Unresolved trauma frequently shows up as anxiety, panic, or emotional shutdown, particularly in people who learned early in life that emotions were unwelcome or unsafe.
Georgia describes clients who learned to suppress feelings: “They learn to stick a smile on their face… and then arrive in their late teens or early twenties with huge anxiety and panic.”
Avoidance may feel protective in the short term, but emotions don’t disappear when they’re ignored. As Zoe puts it, it’s like “pushing a beach ball under water” — eventually, it resurfaces with more force.
Healing involves learning that emotions are not dangerous, and that discomfort can be tolerated without catastrophe.
Regulation, mindfulness, and finding “wise mind”
A central part of breaking toxic relationship patterns is learning how to regulate the nervous system — especially during moments of perceived threat.
Zoe explains: “Mindfulness helps bring the logical mind and emotional mind together — what we call wise mind.”
Neuroscience supports this. Research shows that mindfulness practices reduce activity in the amygdala (the brain’s threat centre) while strengthening the prefrontal cortex, which supports reasoning and emotional regulation (Hölzel et al., 2011; Farb et al., 2010).
This shift allows people to respond rather than react, creating space for choice rather than repetition — a core principle in DBT-informed and trauma-focused therapies.
Breaking free from toxic relationship cycles
Healing is not about becoming emotionally numb or “less sensitive”. As Georgia emphasises: “It’s not about taking the anxiety away. It’s about feeling robust enough to manage it.”
Change begins with awareness — noticing patterns without judgement — and continues through learning new ways to meet emotional needs, communicate boundaries, and soothe distress internally rather than externally.
“Our emotions are information. If we listen to them, we learn more about ourselves and improve our relationships.”
When therapy can help
If these patterns feel familiar, therapy can offer a structured, compassionate space to explore where they came from and how to change them. Trauma-informed, attachment-focused, and DBT-informed approaches are particularly effective for relationship difficulties rooted in emotional dysregulation and early relational wounds.
Support isn’t about fixing something broken. It’s about understanding what shaped you — and learning how to build relationships that feel safer, steadier, and more sustaining.
If you need support, our dedicated team of mental health specialists at Schoen Clinic Chelsea, London, is here to help. Reach out to the team today.
References & further reading
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.
Van Der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Linehan, M., M., (2014). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
Farb et al. (2010). Minding one’s emotions: Mindfulness training alters the neural expression of sadness.
